Continuing My Prior Thought
referring to my roller coaster of a day: i woke up unable to move, my muscles were so tense that it was virtually impossible to start my day. i missed all my classes, which worsened my stress, and tightening my muscles more. I’m sick of this weakness. all my weaknesses. it is unfathomable to me that anyone can perceive me as strong. my friends are all so strong, they know my burdens, and take them willingly, they want them. and i love them for it. they are the strong ones. i admire them.
after finally being able to move at 2 in the afternoon, i had to study for another American Heritage test. i loathe that class. i loathe those tests, but i was pretty confident in my knowledge of the subject. i was supposed to study with a friend. i was ditched, though, because i couldn’t walk up to the library; I’m pretty sure she knew it too. we ended up at the testing center at the same time, i finished first, receiving only a 72%, and waited for her. when she came out, she ended up leaving me again. i had to walk home, alone, in the dark. something that doesn’t sit well with me. as i walked home, my muscles still tense and full of pulsing pain, i became afraid. the combination of solitude and darkness haunted me. flashbacks started to creep into my mind, and i was full of fear. i wanted to cry, but was able to hold myself together and make it to my apartment.
i thought that that day was doomed indefinitely,but life happened again. the guy i have been dating, skeptically, came over. i thought it wouldn’t help, and i wasn’t sure if i wanted to see him. but sitting there on the couch with him, and my best friend significantly heightened my mood. feeling his arms around me comforted me. his hands gently rubbing my arm made me feel wanted. i could feel his eyes looking at me as i watched the movie. i felt as if he cared for me immensely. my best friend was on the other side of me, and just her presence helps. it was so simply satisfying. but as hard as i tried, my biggest trial haunted me, and i felt disgusting still. however, i was grateful for it lightening, if even for only a few hours.
the day ended with me sharing my, secret, i guess you could call it, with yet another person. i feel weird trusting people. its new to me. i kind of like it, but it makes me feel uneasy, still. but i feel as if its not fair for people to trust me unless i trust in them as well. people are amazing, and i wish to fully believe that someday, soon. only a few obstacles stand in my way of that. i will overcome them, eventually.
I’m am fully aware that this is all nonsense. it doesn’t flow, but that’s kind of how i am. i disregard patterns, unintentionally. maybe it’ll be a good quality in the future. more to come soon. its time to shut down my thoughts.
